Parents-Exchange.Com Blog Space

I had never heard of Randy Pausch until 20/20 shared his story, but almost two million people have seen his “last lecture” on YouTube.com given at Carnegie Mellon University.
“The Last Lecture” is a talk given by a chosen professor of a university that entails them sharing the lessons that life has taught them Audiences inevitably are inspired and stop to consider the significance of their words and experiences. Randy Pausch is no exception.
I am sure that Pausch never imagined the impact that his words and experiences would have on so many people. I myself was captivated by his interview with Diane Sawyer, and by the end of the show, I was inspired to order his book The Last Lecture.
Before his invitation to give his “last lecture,” Pausch had learned that his battle to fight pancreatic cancer had failed and was given only three months to live. His need to give this lecture became a personal mission. Something he had to do. It would be an opportunity to leave a special message for his children.
Pausch’s words were simple, profound and without pretense. He was transparent. Pausch wanted to inspire people to reach for their dreams in life without looking at their limitations. He encouraged his audience to enjoy life and live it to its fullest. Here was a man who lived life without regrets; without asking, “what if.” He reached just about every goal he had set for himself in life and had a glow of satisfaction about him. But if all this wasn’t enough, his love for his wife and children was crystal clear, and his wisdom on parenting was one I took note of.
Parenting doesn’t hold any special honors unless you are selected by “Live with Regis and Kelly” on Mother’s, or Father’s, day. It doesn’t pay monetarily, that I know of, but it holds the greatest riches the world can ever offer.
In this article, I would like to share two important aspects on parenting that I was reminded of by Pausch. I hope they will also cause you to stop and consider his words.
Love Lesson One – “Don’t Worry About Resale Value”
My family and I are currently selling our home and have worked hard for two months to get ready for its first showing. With the real estate market being saturated with homes on sale, every detail counted. Pausch shared a story of when he was a young boy and had asked his parent if he could paint his room. He didn’t just want to paint it a certain color; he wanted to express his artistic skill. Therefore, he, a friend, and his sister painted pictures of an elevator, a rocket ship, and a submarine under water to name a few.

As I read this story, I felt a pang of guilt. My daughter, who is very artistic, has asked me on numerous occasions to allow her to artistically alter her walls. Unfortunately, my answer has always been a flat out, “No.”

Pausch’s advice: “let them;” plain and simple. Let them discover their world through creativity, activity, and exploration. Let them try something new that they have never been allowed to do before. Don’t be a kill joy to their fearless attempts. This is where they discover who they are, and what they were created to be and do.

Become more daring with your child. Whether they want to play in a rock band and can’t play a lick on the guitar or drums, learn snowboarding, try racing bikes, or bungee jump, your support and encouragement can have a huge impact on your child. Remember that they only go through childhood once and wouldn’t it be magnificent if they relayed a cool story about you when they’re an adult? Who knows, it may even unleash some unfulfilled dream of your own.

Love Lesson Two – Be the First to Spill the Pop
Pausch enjoyed taking his niece and nephew out on the weekends. On one particular visit, he was driving his brand new convertible and before the children got into the car his sister, Tammy, recited a list of do’s and don’ts to her children before climbing into their uncle’s car. Pausch’s thought: that she had just set them up for failure because kids will inevitably get things dirty. So, he proceeded to open a can of pop and pour it all over the back seat!

Have we set the bar too high for our children? Have we set them up for failure with unrealistic expectations at school, in sports, in music, or life in general? Can they really live up to our high standards? Could you? The answer to all of these questions is a probable, “No.” Now, I want to clarify that I am not speaking about challenging your children to reach higher. This is, I believe, healthy for their development, but when that challenge becomes your obsession then we have a problem.

When our identity is tied to how others see our children, it can make our lives and those of our children miserable. Children should not walk around on egg shells afraid to fail. They shouldn’t fear our reaction if they don’t fulfill our idealistic expectations. After all they are children, and failing is how they learn to succeed.

One of my favorite movies on video is Martian Child with John Cusack. The movie is about a widower who before his wife died had plans on adopting a little boy who has some special emotional needs, and his decision to follow through on that wish despite everyone else’s objections. One of my favorite scenes in the movie occurs when Cusack realizes the depth of this little boys abandonment issues when Dennis accidentally knocks an art piece off of Cusack’s desk and it breaks. Dennis’s face shows horror at the thought that Cusack will now get rid of him. Cusack then takes Dennis into the kitchen and gives him plates to smash on the kitchen floor to show him that there is nothing that he can ever do that would ever keep him from loving him. There is no greater message to communicate to your child than unconditional love, and there is no greater sadness than when a child does not feel it or know it.

Randy Pausch’s words were simple, but sometimes the simplest of words speak the loudest. I learned a lot from reading Pausch’s book. I realized that even though my kids are older, I am still learning about being a better parent. Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook. Many of us learn as we go along and that may mean many mistakes, but in the end if your child is assured of your love, then you’ve accomplished the most important part of the job.

Stories were taken from The Last Lecture written by Randy Pausch

Career change is not something you do lightly. I thought about it for years. I spent 20 years working for the same company. Last year my company offered its employees a generous severance package if they accepted a voluntary termination offer. I saw this as a perfect opportunity to pursue my dream of changing careers. The severance pay would be a great safety net for me to tackle my long awaited career change.

My job search lasted seven months. You would think that seven months out of work would be a bad thing, but it really wasn’t. In some ways it was essential. It gave me time to get my mind and my house in order. Home improvement projects are very therapeutic. It wasn’t all work and no play. I had a lot of fun too. Caught a glimpse into retired life and I can tell you – I think you are really going to like it. I would have to say, besides childhood and courting my wife that this was the most fun I have ever had.

However, job searching wasn’t fun. Like anything else, the more you do it, the better you get at it. After several phone interviews and a couple face to face interviews, I was offered a job, a good one, and I accepted it. I started working January 8 th. It pays less than what I was making before, but it’s in the field I wanted, and the commute is better than what I had before. It can be done. The road may not rise and fall and twist and turn where you expect it to, but when all is said and done, you could be better off. I think I am. There are a few things to consider, four worth warning you about.

First warning: expect a high level of stress. Remember what it was like when you were going from junior high school to high school? Multiply that by 40! I went from knowing my job inside and out, to knowing nothing. I went from the comfort of knowing everyone to knowing no one. I went from being mostly in control of my day, to being completely out of control of my day. And my days spilled into my nights. I was plagued by nightmares of inadequacy, and helplessness. I’ve been through boot camp, this was worse. But whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Two months later, I am finally starting to regain my ease.

Second warning: you will find yourself making a lot of comparisons. It’s a classic rookie mistake. But keep in mind, the reason you left your former place of employment was for change. You sought out change, don’t knock it now that you have it. Embrace the good you find in your new job and endure the bad, and maybe later when you are settled in, when you understand why things are the way they are, you can make some improvements.

Third warning: the faces may be different, also the names and voices, but people are people wherever you go. I contend that one person in ten is bad and one person in ten is good, and the other eight vacillate between the two extremes. Seek out the good; avoid the bad, that’s all you can do.

The fourth and final warning: beware of regret, buyer’s remorse, or whatever you want to call it. You want something, and when you get it, you worry about what it cost you. You wonder if you made a good bargain. I think that is a natural and unavoidable response. Only time will tell if you made the right choice or not. That’s all I’m going to say about that, because I am still coping.

Have I learned anything from this career change? Yes. Change is good. Would I do it all over again? Absolutely! I was dying on the vine and now I am immersed in growing pains. I made the right choice for me and my family. I needed to find out for myself rather than wondering and taking someone else’s word for it that things are the same wherever you go.

If you are considering a career change, take it from someone who knows, you will regret the things you don’t do, more than the things you did do. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Parents are in a state of burn-out today with all the responsibilities pulling at them. Outside of keeping dental or doctor’s appointments, attending soccer or basketball games, piano lessons, parent-teacher conferences, homework and volunteering for the next field trip, parents also have household responsibilities that includes that pile of laundry overflowing like a volcanic eruption, bills waiting to be paid, groceries to be bought, dinner to be cooked, and as for that work-out you planned, well, maybe tomorrow. Is it any wonder that some are nearing a nervous breakdown with the load they have to carry? But they don’t get to quit, even though there are days when they want to cry, “Uncle.”

I can remember times when my sanity was barely intact. I took some comfort in knowing that I was not the only frazzled parent when I saw friends and strangers trying to balance their hectic lives as well. We all feel that we have to do it all. But how do we achieve some sense of order in the midst of chaos?

One secret to maintaining our sanity and attaining more productivity in our day is discipline. Specifically, discipline over our time. Many people associate the word discipline with the correction of children, but discipline is also about achieving a state of order via training and control. In the scope of parenting and life, it is a retraining of how we do things.

Discipline can have a positive effect on our health mentally, emotionally, and physically. It can also change the way we interact with our family. With that said, the opposite can hold true as well. When there is a lack of discipline, we can experience confusion, frustration, and hopelessness due to a lack of progress, goals not being met, and living life without direction or meaning.

There is a great amount of energy being spent when we are running around barely having time to catch our breath. That same energy when channeled and directed correctly can be productive, giving us a sense of accomplishment, empowerment, and control. In fact, it actually takes more energy to manage chaos than it takes to keep our lives balanced.

Get Organized

When my children were all under the age of five, I felt like a circus act trying to keep all my plates spinning on those long poles as I ran frantically from one to the other making sure that none of them fell off. It was maddening. I wanted to do it all perfect and not fail. I have always been a type A personality. Some call it perfectionism. I was very hard on myself when I let a plate fall For me it meant that I was not good enough. That I failed. Today, I still have tasks to accomplish, but I no longer see myself as a circus act, nor do I beat myself over the head when I don’t get it all done.

As parents, we don’t need to be perfect, but we can be organized. This is the first step to achieving discipline in our lives. I learned that I had more to gain mentally, emotionally, and physically if I just took the time the evening before or early in the morning to make a list of my daily tasks and prioritize them in order of importance. This simple discipline improved my productivity by 20 percent or more and allowed me to have a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. It wasn’t about getting it all done, but about feeling a sense of order. An added benefit was that it reduced the amount of stress I carried and cleared my head. 

Schedule Flexibility

Always leave enough wiggle room for tasks that may take longer than expected. Don’t pack your day in so tightly that there is no room for expansion. The unexpected is bound to happen. We underestimate the amount of time a task will take and become flustered. Be realistic. Don’t get discouraged when unexpected emergencies come up like when the school calls you to pick up a sick child or your car breaks down.

I remember when my youngest was at the age of potty training. I was avoiding it for as long as I could. Then one day my car had to go into the shop for some repairs. This left me homebound for a week unable to get to a list of to dos I had already planned. At first, I felt frustrated, but then I chose to see the positive side of things and decided there was no better time to potty train. I wasn’t going anywhere anyways. By the end of the week, the car was fixed and my youngest was potty trained.

If we are ever going to survive parenthood, we need to learn to be flexible. We do ourselves a disfavor when our lives are too rigid. It causes undue stress not only for us but for our family as well. Life is challenging enough as it is, so learn to give yourself a break.

Look Into the Future

Not only is making a list for your daily lives essential to attaining a sense of order in your life, but setting goals is equally as important. Short or long term, life needs goals. It gives us purpose. Whether you set them for your child, your family, or for yourself, goals maximize the way you live your life. They provide a road map to the future and minimize wasted time.

One of the biggest reasons people fail the goals they set for themselves is that they are not realistic. Unrealistic goals only set you up for discouragement and disappointment. It also does little in moving you ahead in life. But the opposite can be just as harmful. If goals carry no challenge to them, you will soon become bored and just abandon them. It is essential that your objectives have some level of challenge to keep you motivated.

Think about it this way, when you begin a strength training program to build muscle mass you don’t go out trying to lift 100 lbs. on the first day. You start small and build your way up. Conversely, if all you do is lift weights that are too easy for you, you will never increase the strength required to lift your goal weight, and you’ll stop going to the gym

Your goal should also suit its time frame and attainability. Don’t be over ambitious and set yourself up for failure. Again, start small and work your way up to more ambitious objectives. Attainability is key to staying motivated and keeping you on track.

Make a Commitment

Whether it is potty training, losing weight, or the next family trip, make a commitment by writing your goal down. When goals are not written down, you increase your chances of not accomplishing them because your mind has no real focus. You will have greater success by doing this simple act.

Rewarding Results

Discipline has many rewards. Not the least of them being peace of mind. Achieving a sense of order in a world that pulls you from every direction can leave you fulfilled and energized, and it can start by writing that first to do list. Discipline also teaches your child the importance of being organized Children do well with structure. It gives them a sense of security and lessens their anxiety. Parents are not the only ones that experience stress when life gets hectic but children do as well. As you implement these changes in your life, make it a family exercise that will reap many rewards. 

If you have a question or comment for Beth Dohrmann regarding her articles on Parents-Exchange.Com she can be contacted at Beth@Parents-Exchange.Com.

If you have a question or comment for Joe Valadez regarding his articles on Parents-Exchange.Com he can be contacted at Joe@Parents-Exchange.Com.

It was one of the most, if not the most, trying times of my life. I had been laid off from a company going out of business and finding work couldn’t have been harder. It seemed as though everything was falling apart and spiraling downward. Surprisingly, life’s hardships have a way of diminishing when you are faced with a truly adverse situation.

Our youngest, Cameron, 2 at the time, was growing to become an incredible young individual. He was smart, happy, outgoing and continuously amazed us at his accomplishments. Everyday reminded us of the contrast between him and his brother. Our middle child, Joshua, began developing some of the common symptoms of Autism around 2 years old and held his own challenges. So with each passing day we worried whether Cameron would follow in his brother’s path. As he gained new skills and language we began to remember how much fun it was to see them grow from baby to toddler. Since Joshua stopped developing at 2 and actually began reverting backward he didn’t obtain the same milestones. Cameron on the other hand was flourishing.

So it was the fall of 2001, the Twin Towers had just come down in the worst act of terrorism this country has ever seen. We are struggling with our own lives trying to make it through a job drought, scraping by on un-employment checks and a waitress salary. It’s that time of year when everyone seems to get sick. Things had been pretty normal prior to his getting sick so we had no cause for alarm. The only thing odd taking place was his bed wetting two or three times a night. Filling diapers one after another and always asking for something to drink, waking in the middle of the night crying for a glass of water. At bed time he would lay down in another room and go to sleep or ask if he could go to bed then go to his room. After about 2 weeks of this occurring he came down with flu like symptoms and became very tired. We have never been parents to run to the doctor every time one the kids get sick so we gave him flu medicine and kept him hydrated. I would hold him at night as he slept to keep him close to me. After a couple of days he wasn’t getting any better, he was losing a ton of weight and we could start to see his ribs more and more. I remember holding him looking at his face and it wasn’t even my 2 year old in my arms. All his baby fat had disappeared, the color in his skin was gone, and his eyes were sunken back in his head. We had resolved that if he wasn’t feeling better by the next day we would take him in to see a doctor.

The next morning came with the norm of changing sheets and clothes. But something was different this morning; Cameron was so lethargic he could barely keep his eyes open. I would pick him up and awaken him only to have his eyes roll back in his head and fall back to sleep immediately. His body was limp giving none of its own support. It was time for the hospital. We dressed him and loaded him in the car with as much urgency as parentally possible. Arriving at the ER we had to wait for our turn as my son lies dying in my arms. Finally we are seen by a nurse who goes through the typical series of questions and then brings us to a room. Almost immediately they take a sample of his blood and test it for glucose getting a result of 483. Cameron is close to a diabetic coma and is very close to death they tell me. My mind is trying hard to grasp the situation. What do I know about Diabetes, other than it runs in my wife’s family and somewhat in mine, I know nothing. What is going to happen to him, will he survive?

Sitting next to the bed in a crowded ER room there was only 1 person that mattered, and I was caressing his forehead. The room was standing still with a bee-hive of activity going on. Nurses floated about the room accompanied by an occasional doctor. One was putting in an IV, one was calling another hospital, one was trying to talk to me. They needed to start an insulin drip mixed with hydrating fluids to stop the effects of the high blood sugar. After the nurse on the phone finished talking to the other end she informed me that they were going to transfer him to Children’s Hospital and the ambulance would be picking us up very soon. At this point my wife needed to leave the hospital to make arrangements for our other 2 children and would meet us at the other Children’s. I returned to bedside of a very thin unconscious toddler fighting for his life. As I sat in a silence drowned out by my thoughts, all I could hear was his wise beyond his years laughter resonating in youthful joy.

The next 2 hours were the longest of my life, sitting by his side in the room, in the ambulance, walking down the hall at Children’s, lost in bright lights and fear. Cameron was still asleep next to me as they brought us to his new home for the next couple of days. He had been admitted to the Intensive Care Unit for intense monitoring and treatment. As we sat by his bed the doctors inform us that the next couple of hours are crucial to his survival. If his body reacted quickly enough to the insulin he should be ok, if not then we have different problems. Sitting next to him I realized what it is to be truly helpless. There is no control; there is no action to be taken, just to wait. Pieces of sand in the hour glass fall mockingly, one by agonizing one.

Every hour on the hour, a technician came into draw Cameron’s blood. Some truly have a gift for dealing with the tiny thread like veins in his arms, some are not as lucky. They stuck him once, twice, up to five times without finding a vein, then they gave up and moved to the other arm. As a parent it’s hard to watch but you know it must be done and endure. Cameron would wake up when they came for the blood but it didn’t seem to bother him much, probably me more than him.

Hours passed as medical personnel came and went. Ever so slowly Cameron was becoming more aware of his surroundings, interacting with us and the doctors. His color was coming back and his skin started to regain its child like appearance. He was doing much better now, and our fear was pushed aside by relief, only to take control again. Thoughts of the future filled our heads as we tried to sleep on hospital furnishings. What would this mean for him? How can we as a family adjust to this new found stress?

There have been many hard nights in our lives, any parent can attest to such. But none as hard as that night spent in the hospital. Nurses every hour to take vitals, blood, whatever else they might have been up to. The most uncomfortable furniture known to man, and glaring lights all dared me to fall asleep only to shake me awake if I did. Perhaps the un-easiest of all feelings, will he be OK? Questions taunting my exhausted brain like, Why him? Those are the nights when the dawn is a Welcome Home sign on the front porch, a swing and a pitcher of iced lemonade cooling nearby.

Stretching our tight limbs and greeting one another with our best “Just Spent a Night on a Hospital Couch” attitudes it was time for a new life. Cameron was still in bed, though much more awake and aware than he had been in days. His tiny smile and voice was enough to make any situation worth getting through. He was gradually gaining his appetite adding to our thankfulness. As the day crawled by we were delighted by visits of family and friends giving us their love and support. About noon time we had a nurse came to his room and scheduled a training session. “A training session?” I thought, I knew we had to learn some stuff but a whole training session? Little did I know how much training I needed to have.

Our nurse/trainer was superb, we could not have asked for anyone better. She was understanding and gentle, explaining everything like someone’s life depended on it. We were given books and meters and testing supplies, bags of gifts. It was like Christmas but without the fun and feelings of heart touching warmth. She showed us how to draw insulin and where to do the injections. How to put air in the bottle first and to pinch the skin of the spot. She showed us how to test his urine for Ketones, an indication things are not quite right in the blood. Very very fun. When she was done she told us that we would need to come back for the real training and it needed to be in the next day or so, it was not optional.

Cameron was almost completely back to normal now. His electrolyte levels had evened out and his blood sugar was at an acceptable level. His urine still contained a high Ketone level but they assured us that level would come down as the days past and his insulin doses evened out. So we prepared to go home.

Over the next several months’ life seemed to revolve around Cameron and his condition. He was slowly gaining weight as we learned to manage his blood sugar, his diet, and his medications. At times I would blame myself for this affliction because I must have done something wrong to have this happen. But in reality no one is to blame. Every time we had to give him a shot and he cried it ripped our hearts out. But we had to keep telling ourselves “it’s keeping him alive”. We soon realized that Cameron would not have a normal childhood. He would not just get to have a snack, or a cookie, or some crackers, or juice. We had to watch everything he ate or drank, and it became a daily math lesson while counting carbs and units of insulin. After a while his condition became part of our lives.

As the years past certain restrictions became apparent. For instance normal children like to stay overnight with relatives or friends. This became a barrier for Cameron since many people not only don’t know much about Diabetes they are also afraid of it or don’t know how to handle the care associated with it. Only close family members were brave enough to give him insulin when he needed it. He never really had a “sleep-over” until he was older and close friends took on the responsibility of learning his condition and how to care for him. As he has grown he has taken on more responsibility for his health. He has learned how to check his own blood sugar levels, how to keep track of how much he eats, and he will soon start giving his own shots.

Today, if you looked at Cameron you would not see a child with a life threating disease. You would see an eight year old child who is energetic, exceptionally out going and loves life. His condition has made him strong and able to deal with adversity. He is looking forward to starting football this year, enjoys video games, skateboarding, and running around the house. He has not let Diabetes define who he is, he has defined who he is, and Diabetes just happens to be part of it. We could not ask for more, he is truly a miracle.

Hello everyone, it looks like I am the first one to introduce myself on this site so I will start it off good.  I am a 30somethin father of 4 from the mid-west.  My wife and I have been together for just over 15 yrs and have been through quite ride in our life.  Our oldest child is a teenager making her way through middle school with all the drama provided with that stage in life.  Her brother is not so far behind her, in the same school but not the same grade.  He is presented with his own challenges being a high-functioning autistic child.  Our next son is currently in grade school and is doing amazing, though he also has his hands full.  He has been living with Diabetes for about 6 years now handling it with strength I wish I had.  The youngest of the bunch is just over 2yrs old having the time of his young life.  He learns and displays new talents all the time making us remember every day is special.  So there is a little bit about me.  I do plan on asking for lots of advice so I hope there are giving souls willing to provide it.  Till next time.

New to Parents-Exchange.Com?  Introduce yourself and get to know others in the Introduction category.  Tell us a little bit about yourself and your family, we would love to know more about you.

What does your family do for fun?  Share your ideas of home-grown games, crafts, or any other family entertainment.

Please visit the Great Stories category to share your memories, whether their happy, sad, or inspirational.