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Relationship First

I had never heard of Randy Pausch until 20/20 shared his story, but almost two million people have seen his “last lecture” on YouTube.com given at Carnegie Mellon University.

“The Last Lecture” is a talk given by a chosen professor of a university that entails them sharing the lessons that life has taught them Audiences inevitably are inspired and stop to consider the significance of their words and experiences. Randy Pausch is no exception.

I am sure that Pausch never imagined the impact that his words and experiences would have on so many people. I myself was captivated by his interview with Diane Sawyer, and by the end of the show, I was inspired to order his book The Last Lecture.

Before his invitation to give his “last lecture,” Pausch had learned that his battle to fight pancreatic cancer had failed and was given only three months to live. His need to give this lecture became a personal mission. Something he had to do. It would be an opportunity to leave a special message for his children.

Pausch’s words were simple, profound and without pretense. He was transparent. Pausch wanted to inspire people to reach for their dreams in life without looking at their limitations. He encouraged his audience to enjoy life and live it to its fullest. Here was a man who lived life without regrets; without asking, “what if.” He reached just about every goal he had set for himself in life and had a glow of satisfaction about him. But if all this wasn’t enough, his love for his wife and children was crystal clear, and his wisdom on parenting was one I took note of.

Parenting doesn’t hold any special honors unless you are selected by “Live with Regis and Kelly” on Mother’s, or Father's, day. It doesn’t pay monetarily, that I know of, but it holds the greatest riches the world can ever offer.

In this article, I would like to share two important aspects on parenting that I was reminded of by Pausch. I hope they will also cause you to stop and consider his words.

Love Lesson One – “Don’t Worry About Resale Value”

My family and I are currently selling our home and have worked hard for two months to get ready for its first showing. With the real estate market being saturated with homes on sale, every detail counted. Pausch shared a story of when he was a young boy and had asked his parent if he could paint his room. He didn’t just want to paint it a certain color; he wanted to express his artistic skill. Therefore, he, a friend, and his sister painted pictures of an elevator, a rocket ship, and a submarine under water to name a few.

As I read this story, I felt a pang of guilt. My daughter, who is very artistic, has asked me on numerous occasions to allow her to artistically alter her walls. Unfortunately, my answer has always been a flat out, “No.”

Pausch’s advice: “let them;” plain and simple. Let them discover their world through creativity, activity, and exploration. Let them try something new that they have never been allowed to do before. Don’t be a kill joy to their fearless attempts. This is where they discover who they are, and what they were created to be and do.

Become more daring with your child. Whether they want to play in a rock band and can’t play a lick on the guitar or drums, learn snowboarding, try racing bikes, or bungee jump, your support and encouragement can have a huge impact on your child. Remember that they only go through childhood once and wouldn’t it be magnificent if they relayed a cool story about you when they’re an adult? Who knows, it may even unleash some unfulfilled dream of your own.

Love Lesson Two – Be the First to Spill the Pop

Pausch enjoyed taking his niece and nephew out on the weekends. On one particular visit, he was driving his brand new convertible and before the children got into the car his sister, Tammy, recited a list of do’s and don’ts to her children before climbing into their uncle’s car. Pausch’s thought: that she had just set them up for failure because kids will inevitably get things dirty. So, he proceeded to open a can of pop and pour it all over the back seat!

Have we set the bar too high for our children? Have we set them up for failure with unrealistic expectations at school, in sports, in music, or life in general? Can they really live up to our high standards? Could you? The answer to all of these questions is a probable, “No.” Now, I want to clarify that I am not speaking about challenging your children to reach higher. This is, I believe, healthy for their development, but when that challenge becomes your obsession then we have a problem.

When our identity is tied to how others see our children, it can make our lives and those of our children miserable. Children should not walk around on egg shells afraid to fail. They shouldn’t fear our reaction if they don’t fulfill our idealistic expectations. After all they are children, and failing is how they learn to succeed.

One of my favorite movies on video is Martian Child with John Cusack. The movie is about a widower who before his wife died had plans on adopting a little boy who has some special emotional needs, and his decision to follow through on that wish despite everyone else’s objections. One of my favorite scenes in the movie occurs when Cusack realizes the depth of this little boys abandonment issues when Dennis accidentally knocks an art piece off of Cusack’s desk and it breaks. Dennis’s face shows horror at the thought that Cusack will now get rid of him. Cusack then takes Dennis into the kitchen and gives him plates to smash on the kitchen floor to show him that there is nothing that he can ever do that would ever keep him from loving him. There is no greater message to communicate to your child than unconditional love, and there is no greater sadness than when a child does not feel it or know it.

Randy Pausch’s words were simple, but sometimes the simplest of words speak the loudest. I learned a lot from reading Pausch’s book. I realized that even though my kids are older, I am still learning about being a better parent. Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook. Many of us learn as we go along and that may mean many mistakes, but in the end if your child is assured of your love, then you’ve accomplished the most important part of the job.

Stories were taken from The Last Lecture written by Randy Pausch

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